At the root of any screening for addiction lies the question “Is the behaviour causing problems?”. A sexual practice that causes no problems would not be classified as an addiction, even if it is outside of societal norms.
It is key to remember that the question is not whether the sexual practice is causing YOU problems but rather does it cause problems for anybody in general.
- Is your partner happy with your sex life?
- Does it interfere at work?
- Are there problems with your friends as a result of sexual behaviour?
If your behaviour is causing problems then the action is needed. The decision to take action is perhaps one of the most difficult parts of recovery and this is made worse by the question “what action is required?”. Sexual addiction is a lot more complicated than “is it causing a problem”. It manifests in many different areas of the personality and has far-reaching behavioural consequences.
The realisation that there is a problem can be a spur to encourage action. The remaining part of an assessment is geared towards finding out what needs to change and how best to accomplish this.
Many sexual behaviours are quite commonplace and don’t constitute an addiction.
If you need help in determining whether your behaviour has an addictive component ask yourself the following questions:
1) How long have you been doing this?
2) Do you feel guilty or ashamed about your behaviour?
3) Have you ever tried to stop?
4) Would there be negative consequences if you were caught?
5) Are you performing the actions more frequently than when you started?
6) If you are not engaging in the behaviour do you spend time thinking about it?
These questions will help to start looking at whether the behaviour shows signs of addictions or not. If you have answered “yes” to any of them then you should definitely consider meeting with a professional for a formal assessment.
Maybe there is some use in getting rid of the “addict” label and saying that even if you’re not an addict you could stand to change some of your behaviours. Some people appreciate having a label to explain their behaviour but others feel self-conscious about identifying as an addict. If you don’t want to call yourself an addict this doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from therapy. Sometimes the negative connotation with being labelled a “sex addict” can actually reduce the effectiveness of therapy.
It is more important to take an honest look at how your sexual and/or romantic is having negative consequences. It might be a waste of time to dwell on labels instead of examining the behaviour and looking at what needs to change. Instead of obsessing about whether you meet the diagnostic criteria for an “addict” you could be focusing on identifying healthy behaviours that could replace the actions which are causing you problems.
If you are wondering if you could benefit from treatment for sexual and/or romantic behaviour then consider the following questions:
1) Are there any negative long-term consequences that make short-term satisfaction seem less worthwhile?
If you are seeking immediate gratification at the cost of your long-term health and happiness then maybe you should explore this with a professional.
2) Have you promised somebody that you will stop?
This is quite a strong indication that there is a problem. Only people who believe that their actions don’t match their values would promise to stop. Unfortunately most promises to stop end up being broken sooner rather than later. If you have promised to stop your actions then you should consider treatment.
3) Is this behaviour done in secret?
Similarly to the previous point, if you are so uncomfortable with your behaviour that you need to keep it a secret then you should consider seeking professional advice. It means that you realise that your behaviour isn’t socially acceptable yet continue to do it. Many people who act in secret feel guilty and ashamed – seeking treatment is a way to relieve this burden.
4) Does the behaviour match your idea of who you want to be?
If your behaviour occurs only in certain circumstances then maybe you have developed a second lifestyle. Assuming an alter-ego to perform these sexual and/or romantic actions is a sign of addiction.
5) Does there seem to be some sort of pattern to your behaviour?
Sexual addiction has far-reaching consequences and affects many areas of life. Maybe you play out the pattern of seeking instant gratification at the cost of long-term benefits. Or maybe you drink alcohol or use other ways of regulating or emotions.
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