I can clearly remember my last night before drug addiction treatment, well, OK, the early parts of the evening at least.
I knew that I would be going into rehab the next day so I thought I would try to stay out of trouble the night before. I managed to stay clean through the day but as night started to fall so did my resistance. I guess the anxiety around going for rehab the next day and getting through a whole day without using began to get to me so I decided to go out for a drink.
Yes, one drink. Perhaps two drinks but three at the most, just enough to take the edge off, you know? I kept promising myself that I was just going for a drink, that I would have just two or three at the maximum and that I wouldn’t use any drugs. After all I was going in for a professional drug addiction treatment program in the morning; surely I deserved to spend the night relaxed and content?
I told myself that if I didn’t deal with my anxiety I would probably end up relapsing on drugs in a big way, so having a drink or two just to calm down was absolutely the best thing to do. I didn’t realise that my drug addiction was using these rationalisations as a part of my denial system and addictive thinking processes to lure me into a dangerous situation.
I arrived at the local pub and could really feel the onset of my withdrawal symptoms. I’ve tried to detox by myself twice and knew that the anxiety was just a signal for the shakes, sweats, nausea and cramps that were going to follow. Beating drug addiction is really hard – I know I can’t do it alone because I’ve tried.
So anyway the pub was filled with patrons all enjoying their poison. I envied them for their ability to drink and not crave drugs. I went up to the bar and ordered a stiff drink which I tried as best I could to sip slowly and be like a ‘normal drinker’. At this point I still believed I could have a few drinks and mosey on home to pack and prepare for the admission to the drug addiction rehab in the morning.
Once that first drink had begun to take effect I felt so much more relaxed and like I fitted in with everyone else in the bar. I had followed the first drink with another one immediately and I quickly went from feeling ill at ease with the onset of the drug withdrawals to quietly power and perhaps even a little superior to these poor people in the bar. The alcohol had allowed a personality change, it gave me power and this is what drug addiction is all about for me.
I ended up drinking 4 or 5 drinks until the wallet was empty and bought a 6th drink with the coins left in my wallet. Drug addiction can be an expensive habit and I had lost the umpteenth job a few weeks before.
I looked around again and spotted a wallet on a table. There was a group of guys at the table but I knew I could grab the wallet as I walked past without being noticed. They were laughing and chatting so surely they wouldn’t notice? Right? To test my theory I walked past them trailing my hand on the table as if on my way to the lavatories. Success! On my way back from the lavatory I again trailed my hand on the table and scooped up the wallet. Without stopping I walked out of the pub and sailed into the night – the means to support my drug addiction firmly clasped in my hand.
I quickly opened the wallet and took the cash out before throwing it away in a skip. I hadn’t even realised it but I was already walking to my dealer’s house. It came as a bit of a shock to realise that I had somehow subconsciously pointed myself in that direction like a homing pigeon. Drug addiction is an insidious, sneaky illness that can convince the addict of all sorts of untruths.
The dealer’s house was just like any other den of iniquity. It was nondescript and hidden amongst a cluster of similarly anonymous houses in a shady area of town. My drug addiction loved the darkness, the sullen grimy walls and the mess. There was usually a crumpled heap of flesh and bone on the floor but today the house was fairly empty.
I scored and told my dealer I was going to rehab in the morning. He smiled and wished me luck. I expected him to argue with me. Maybe he thought I wouldn’t make it like the other times I had tried to stop by myself. I realised that he was the only person I spoke to the whole day; that my entire experience of human contact for the day was to steal a wallet and score drugs. I hope that recovery from drug addiction will mean that I don’t have to steal and that I can have friends.
If you are sick and tired of merely existing and want to feel the joy of living free of addiction please contact one of our addiction counsellors without delay. The World Health Organization describes drug addiction as a progressive disease which only gets worse if left untreated, so go easy and allow yourself the chance to escape drug addiction and lead a fulfilled life.